Why Fixing Their Problems Doesn’t Work (and What to Do Instead)

We’ve all been there—listening to a partner, family member, or close friend vent about a problem, and the urge to fix it kicks in. You care about them, you don’t want them to suffer, and, honestly, you might be tired of hearing about the same issue over and over. So, you do what seems logical: you offer a solution. But instead of relief, they shut down. They get defensive. They say, “You just don’t understand.” Meanwhile, you’re frustrated. You do understand. In fact, you just delivered a well-thought-out solution that, if followed, would likely solve everything. So why doesn’t it work?

Why People Resist Solutions (Even When They’re Right)

The reality is that people struggle to listen to advice if they don’t feel heard first. This is

People don’t just need an answer; they need to be witnessed.

especially true when they’re emotionally overwhelmed or in a dysregulated state.

The Brain Needs to Feel Seen to Process Solutions

When someone is in distress, their nervous system is activated—meaning their ability to logically process information is limited. Jumping in with a fix, no matter how well-intentioned bypasses their experience. They don’t just need an answer; they need to be witnessed.

✔️ If a person has a long history of feeling unheard, this reaction is even stronger.

✔️ If they are flooded with emotion, they can’t absorb solutions yet.

✔️ If they already suspect the answer but aren’t ready to accept it, pushing it too soon creates resistance. The more we push, the more they pull away.

Why Fixing Feels Good (But Isn’t Always About Them)

Let’s be honest—offering solutions isn’t just about helping. Sometimes, it’s about our own discomfort with witnessing pain. We jump into fix-it mode because:

When we swoop in with an answer, we take away their power

✔️ We don’t like seeing them struggle (it makes us anxious or uncomfortable).

✔️ We want to feel useful and valuable.

✔️ We have our own past experiences with helplessness, and it’s easier to give advice than sit in that space with someone else.

But when we swoop in with an answer, we take away their power. Think about a time you made a difficult decision—one where, looking back, the answer was already inside of you. Would you have fully trusted it if someone had pushed you toward it before you were ready? Probably not. On the flip side, recall a time you felt resistant to an answer you knew was right—not because it was wrong, but because you weren’t emotionally prepared to accept it. This is why pushing a solution before someone is ready can actually slow down the process.

The Power of Reflective Listening Instead

So, if fixing doesn’t work, what does? Reflective listening. Instead of solving, mirror their emotions back to them without judgment. This doesn’t mean sitting in silence or pretending to agree—it means holding space and allowing them to process before jumping in. Let’s break it down with an example.

Example Conversation: Supporting a Partner Without Fixing

Imagine your partner walks in, completely drained after yet another long day at work. You can see they’re running on fumes—but they haven’t fully named it yet. Your instinct might be to help by offering advice or solutions.

Fix-It Mode:

❌ “You’re doing too much. I told you this job was going to burn you out. You need to start saying no or take time off.”

Even if your intention is good, they’re likely to feel criticized—or like a problem to be solved.

Instead, you slow down, reflect, and ask a few thoughtful questions—ones that help them arrive at the truth already inside them.

Partner Opens Up:

“I stayed late again. Skipped lunch. I told myself if I just pushed a little harder, I’d get ahead. But I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

Reflective Response:

“You kept pushing, hoping to get ahead—but now your body’s telling a different story.”

Partner:

“Yeah… and it’s like no matter what I do, there’s always more. I’m never actually caught up.”

Grounding Question:

“When’s the last time you felt caught up—or even just rested?”

Partner (quietly):

“I don’t think I have in a long time. Maybe I keep believing I’ll earn rest once the work is done. But the work never ends.”

Reflective Mirror:

“So you’re waiting for the work to be done before you give yourself rest—but there’s always more. That sounds exhausting.”

Partner:

“It is. I think I’m burning myself out trying to outrun something I can’t finish.”

Supportive + Grounding:

“That sounds like a painful loop. What would taking care of yourself look like—tonight—before it gets to that point again?”

Partner (pausing):

“Maybe a hot shower. No phone. And just… not talking for a bit.”

Response:

“That sounds like a good place to start. I’ve got everything covered out here—take the space you need.”

[Later That Evening]

Partner Returns (a little lighter):

“You know… I’ve been thinking. I’ve been treating exhaustion like a badge of honor. Like if I just prove I can handle it all, then I’ll finally feel safe or respected or whatever. But I think I’m just… empty.”

You Stay Present:

“That’s a big realization.”

Partner:

“Yeah. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I think I need to start setting limits—not because I’m weak, but because I’m human. And I deserve to feel like one.”

Notice what happened? Instead of defending or resisting, they felt seen, making space for real problem-solving to emerge organically.

How to Practice Reflective Listening

At first, this might feel unnatural. You might get pushback. The people in your life may not be used to being seen this deeply, and that can be intimidating. But over time, if you stick

The ears of a reflective listener look like this!

with it:

✔️ Your relationships will become stronger.

✔️ You’ll become a safe, trusted resource for those around you.

✔️ People will naturally come to you—not because you fix things, but because they feel valued.

Quick Tips to Get Started:

• Pause before responding. Let them finish. Reflect before reacting.

• Use mirroring. Repeat back keywords or emotions: “That sounds overwhelming.”

• Ask open-ended questions. “What’s the hardest part about this for you?”

• Validate their experience. “I can see why that would feel frustrating.”

• Offer support instead of solutions. “What do you need right now?”

Final Thoughts: Why This Matters

Choosing listening over fixing doesn’t mean you don’t contribute or that your ideas aren’t valuable. It actually creates more space for real problem-solving. And here’s the irony: when people feel truly heard, they’re more likely to trust the answers you eventually offer.

So, next time you feel the urge to fix something, pause. Let them process. Be a mirror, not a mechanic. It might just change your relationships for the better.