Unpacking Attachment: How Early Experiences Shape Our Relationships and Conflict Styles

The experiences we have throughout our lives, combined with our individual genetics, shape how we relate and respond to others and the world around us

The experiences we have throughout our lives, combined with our individual genetics, shape how we relate and respond to others and the world around us. Genetic and environmental influences shape our brain and nervous system from conception, programming us for survival. Some behaviors are learned, while others are inherited. Ideally, our brain works in harmony with our nervous system, but sometimes, our instinctual survival mechanisms override rational thought, leading to automatic reactions.

Understanding Attachment Styles

One of the most influential factors in our relational patterns is the nurturing we received as children. Attachment theory explains how early experiences with caregivers shape our ability to connect with others. The four primary attachment styles are:

1. Secure Attachment

• A healthy balance between independence and connection

• Comfort with intimacy and trust

• Ability to express needs and emotions while respecting boundaries
  

2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

• Intense desire for closeness and fear of abandonment

• Hypersensitivity to rejection

• Reliance on external reassurance for self-worth

3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment

• Emotional distance and hyper self-reliance

• Discomfort with deep emotional intimacy

• Tendency to downplay relationships and avoid vulnerability
  

4. Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

• A mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors

• Often linked to trauma or inconsistent caregiving

• Fear of both connection and rejection leads to hot-cold behaviors in relationships (Çağlayan &  Körük, 2022)

  
  

Attachment Styles and Conflict

Studies show that conflict management styles in our families of origin significantly impact how we handle conflict in adult relationships.

Attachment styles influence how we navigate conflict. Those with an anxious attachment style may experience heightened conflict, using forcing, avoiding, accommodating, or collaborating conflict resolution styles to mitigate their fear of abandonment. They may prioritize their own needs while disregarding their partner’s. Conversely, individuals with avoidant attachment styles often ignore or avoid problems, reducing emotional engagement rather than addressing issues directly.

Studies show that conflict management styles in our families of origin significantly impact how we handle conflict in adult relationships. However, attachment styles alone don’t fully explain the complexities of interpersonal interactions. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, developed by Pat Ogden, introduces the concept of Legacy and Attachment, which explores how relational patterns from childhood shape our present-day behaviors.

The Legacy of Early Relationships

Reflecting on past relationships can help us identify the implicit relational knowledge transferred to us. This includes:

• Which emotions were acceptable or suppressed

• Unspoken rules about connection and communication

• Bodily responses to different relationship dynamics

• Core beliefs about relationships based on early caregiving experiences
  

For instance, if a caregiver withdrew emotionally when a child cried, that child may have learned to suppress sadness to maintain the connection. This survival strategy can persist into adulthood, influencing how individuals relate to partners, children, and colleagues.

Traumatic Attaching and the Impact of Early Caregiving

“I get anxious and upset over my boss’s short responses in emails and assume they are frustrated with me.”

Ruella Frank, Ph.D., expands on this concept with Traumatic Attaching, which describes how our nervous system responds to familiar stimuli based on past experiences. The way an infant interacts with a caregiver—seeking connection and retreating to process experiences—can leave lasting imprints. If a caregiver misinterprets a child’s withdrawal as rejection, based on their own experiences, they may respond with fear or withdrawal themselves, unintentionally shaping the child’s relational patterns. These ingrained responses can manifest in daily life during the act of engaging in relationships. Consider the following example:

Experience:

• “I get anxious and upset over my boss’s short responses in emails and assume they are frustrated with me.”
  

Noticing the emotional and bodily response:

• “It makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong or that they are disappointed in me. My shoulders tense, and I feel anxious before opening emails.”
  

In this scenario, the emotional reaction has little to do with the boss’s emails and more to do with an ingrained attachment response developed in a previous relationship. Noticing the thoughts, beliefs, body sensations, and behaviors brings an awareness that begins to make room for change.

Rewiring the Nervous System

The good news? Just as software can be updated, so can our attachment and orienting responses. The first step is awareness—acknowledging how past experiences shaped these responses. The next step is consciously choosing a new perspective. For example:

• “I could orient to the fact that my boss consistently acknowledges my work positively in meetings rather than focusing on the brevity of their emails.”

  
  

Initially, shifting perspectives may feel uncomfortable and even unsafe. There's likely a part of your being that holds the belief that your current behaviors are keeping you safe and maintaining your relationships/connection. However, with practice, the nervous system can learn to interpret these triggering experiences in more neutral or even positive ways.

The Path to Change

Transforming attachment patterns and conflict styles takes time. Lifelong behaviors don’t unravel overnight. Progress happens in small steps—sometimes forward, sometimes

The Path Foward Isn't Linear

backward—but always moving toward greater self-awareness and relational health. If you’re working on how you approach relationships and conflict, take a moment to celebrate your awareness and efforts. Every small win builds toward meaningful change. You can create deeper, healthier connections in your life by understanding attachment, honoring past survival strategies, and gently unwinding automatic responses. This also creates context when we think about our caregivers' own attachment path and legacy. Perhaps creating room for us to understand that while the work is necessary, everyone is on a journey toward their own path. This shift in perspective and awareness around your own internal experiences might create space for empathy for other’s experiences (Ogden  & Fisher 2015). References

Çağlayan, Z. & Körük, S. (2022). The predictive role of self-esteem, attachment styles, and family of origin functions in explaining conflict resolution in romantic relationships. International Journal of Contemporary Educational Research, 9(3), 557-568. https://doi.org/10.33200/ijcer.1061932 

Ogden, P., & Fisher, J. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment. W. W. Norton & Company.